4.23.2010

100 reasons....

Well it’s time folks, time for me to get off the couch and
get IN SHAPE! Monday I started working with a
personal trainer. Honestly I don’t think I would’ve
had the motivation any other way. I used to be my own
biggest motivator, biggest critic….but now I
just don’t care when I cheat.

Well I can’t do it anymore, I don’t want to be
“the fat mom” for my children; I want to be a mother
they can be proud of! I know that sounds harsh, but
hey kids are honest we all know that. I don’t want my
kids to ever get teased for having a fat mom, when they
can’t control it. Not only that but I want to be a good
example of how they should live their lives!

Why now? Well, I could name 100 other reasons why!!
In fact, I will. I don’t mean to offend anyone, so please
don’t take offense. These are all feelings I feel about
myself that really I’ve never said out loud, but need to.
Here are a few to start with……

#1 - Nothing Fits!!
Sure I just had a baby 3months ago, but honestly how
long can I use that excuse of still wearing my maternity
clothes. Ha ha. I tried to just pack them up so that I
had to lose the weight and wear normal clothes. Nope,
that didn’t work….I started digging out my maternity
yoga pants so that my pants weren’t cutting off my
circulation! You laugh, but it’s true!

I'm sick of always reaching for the largest sizes in
stores. Shopping in the plus sizes, ugh! The first time
I couldn’t shop in the normal sizes and had to move
to a 1X was devastating! And who decided that plus-sized
clothes has to be bold or neon colors, with some kind
of animal, flower, sequins or other form of 'bedazzling'
right on the front? Most fat clothes are like targets
that say 'hey look at me, I'm fat!’. Fat clothes are also
really expensive. I get it that it takes more material to
make plus-sizes, but it's not enough to make a sail or
anything. Pretty much every piece of fat clothing I've
bought cost $50+. It makes for a very expensive
wardrobe! Anyway, it's not the cost so much as the
look of plus-sized clothes that makes me sick. Yuck!
I don't want to wear a moo-moo!

#2 - Being out of shape
I really hate being so out of shape at this weight. But to
be honest sometimes consciously I still imagine myself
as I was before my last two children. Here
is what I looked like:
I do own a mirror, and I do live in reality of knowing
that’s not how I look now….but I sometimes think I
can still do the same things and that I’m still in
somewhat shape, just gained a few (few 100 that is) LOL.
I'd like to be able to walk (not even run right now)
up a flight of stairs without getting totally
winded! That would be nice!

Reality did sit in a bit when I started working with
my trainer Monday. I about threw up 3 times! Yep,
not in shape. I hate that….I hate that when I tried
to do a jumping jack…yes a simple jumping jack,
I couldn’t even get this fat body to work!!!
I couldn’t jump and lift all this weight off the
ground….something’s gotta change!

#3 – Pregnant???
One big thing I hate about being fat is being asked
when I'm due. Come on, I know I'm fat, but don't
rub it in! I was in wal-mart right before I got
pregnant with Stella and the clerk ask me when
I was due. I was soooooooo embarrassed that
I just said not for a while. I guess that's true, right?
I'm wasn’t due for a while, hahaha!

#4 - Ashamed to go to the gym
So as a fat person, I clearly don't work out enough.
And clearly, I would lose weight if I worked out more.
Many people are just lazy and don't want to work out,
and that's partly why they're fat. OK, OK, reality check,
"many people"...me included! So I know that I should
work out more to better my health. What get's me is
that when I actually get past the lazy part of not
working out, and actually attempt to go to gym, something
else stops me: I'm totally ashamed to go to the gym at this
weight. I just hate the looks I get. Like, "who are you fatso,
sweatin' up our gym," or "I think the Dunkin' Donuts is
down the block tubby." I've actually gotten past all of this
redicule (both perceived and make-believe) and gone to
the gym and work out anyway. But usually it takes just
one or two stares to send me running for the door.
Most of the time I'm sure my fellow gym mates are
innocently looking my way when I perceive it as some
personal attack. Clearly much of this is in my head. I
need to realize that losing weight is one of the reasons
people go to the gym in first place. Maybe most people
only need to lose 10 or 20 pounds when I need to lose
100, but still, it should be a place for all people to feel
comfortable to work out, lose weight and get healthy.

#5 - I might die if I don't lose weight
Being on blood pressure meds, due to being overweight
at age 27 is pathetic. Seriously! I have caused myself to
have SVT (tachycardia of the heart). It’s ridiculous!
Having to see a cardiologist b/c I’m overweight and
have caused myself heart issues is sad. I could have
EASILY prevented it. My goal this year is to get off any
medications and get my heart healthy again, so that I can
live to see my daughters grow up! I don’t want to be
a statistic like you know, "oh you remember Leah, she
died from a stroke at 32," "What a shame, she was obese
you know." "She brought it on herself." Doesn't that just
sound terrible -
OBESE (in layman's terms obese = deadly fat!).
Congrats if you made it this far =) More to come....

11 comments:

Desiree' said...

Leah- you are still a very beautiful and sweet woman. I hope you reach your goal and whats even better than getting healthier while doing it. keep up the good work! we can do anything if we continue to pray :-) best of luck!

Courtney, Jeff, Ayla & Leah said...

Thanks for being so bold and throwing that out there! I have felt most of those things. I Have to do something. Typically I start "something" and then end bc of stress or bordom. Good luck. Congrats. And remember you are beautiful Leah. :)

Abby said...

So proud of you LEah.... I feel SOOO much better since getting more in shape! I got to the point were it was time to take a little time for myself, and in return I am giving my kids a way BETTER momma! Keep it up, and we ALL need to keep each other motivated!!!

Jamie said...

Leah-Thank you for posting that. I have just recently started exercising again and feel so much better. My stress level has decreased a great deal. Hang in there and keep up the good work!

Audrey said...

Thanks for the reminder that we all need to be healthy!! I needed it! With a family history of high blood pressure and cholesterol staying in shape and being healthy is very important to me! I need to get back in the routine of excercising! BTW, I just saw you out walking, we'll have to walk together now and then! The girls would love that and I would love the company!

Susie said...

Wish we were on same schedules I'd love to go to gym and work out with you...I've said i'd love to run again as long as no one would have to see me jiggle until the point I was back in shape! LOL! Just on a fun note...I was at Women of Joy and Anita Renfroe said that the average size of American woman is size 14 and she said her response was "Why be below average" I thought what a great perspective! Hang in there and congratulations to you for figuring out a way to make time to exercise...I know you will feel better! I know I always do too...it's just hard to always find the time for "mom". Your beautiful either way!

Brandi said...

Leah... you letting all that out will help a lot of people!! You are determined and have a goal!! I know you will do it!! It makes me want to go exercise right now... i've been a major bum lately which makes me feel tired and depressed at times! Thank you for motivating me!

Ashley said...

Leah don't be so hard on yourself! I am so happy that you started seeing a trainer and are starting a new begining. I know it will take time but stay motivated and you WILL get to your goal!!! If you ever want to go walk/run or bike let me know b/c I would love to go with you!

Chelsa said...

I really am so proud of you for finding the motivation. I am not happy with my post third baby body and it's been bumming me out (no matter what the scale says, if you aren't happy with your body, it's depressing!). I started working out and then I think of every excuse in the book not to. Then I'm mad at myself for not doing it. It's a vicious cycle. UGH! Thank you for being so honest. I'll be cheering for you as you work on your goals :)

Tera said...

Leah- Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I'll be praying for you to reach your goals!

Tara said...

Leah - you are bold and honest and never afraid to put yourself out there. What a candid post! I have to remind myself from time to time that it's not about the "size" it's about how I look and feel in it. Since taking that mentality, I don't own a scale. Good Luck with your own personal goals!