6, 7, 8, 9, and 10

# 6 - Having my picture taken

I know this sounds ridiculous considering I am a photographer and I can’t remember what weight it started, but when I'm this heavy, I hate having my picture taken. I'm always so surprised when I see myself in pictures, at how fat I am. I appear way fatter than I think I am in photos. Anyhow, when I see myself in recent photos, it really motivates me to lose weight (it also gets me a bit depressed, though). Maybe I need to post pics of myself around the house as motivation to keep me going…….

# 7 - being told I have a pretty face

Isn't this the kiss of death for someone overweight? I know, this should be a compliment, but it really doesn't feel like it. It's more like someone telling you, "Hey you're fat, but at least you aren't ugly." I do have a pretty face, but I hate when people say it. Can't they just say, "You’re pretty"? Why do they have to add that qualifier...a pretty face? LOL

# 8 - Being the heaviest person in the room

This one really gets to me. I hate that when I look around the room, I realize I'm the heaviest person there. I would love to just blend into the crowd, size-wise again. I hate the feeling of thinking everyone in the room is judging me, thinking how fat I am. I know this is a self-esteem issue. Realistically, everyone in the room isn't thinking about how fat I am. Sure, maybe people that meet me for the first time think bad things about me, but the people that know and love me, look at me for who I am - a great person - not just that I’m overweight. But still, when I look around the room and realize I'm the biggest person there, it makes me feel bad.It's thoughts like these that sabotage our weight loss efforts, isn't it? Isn't it times when you think - look at how she looked at me, she thinks I'm fat - that we turn to our beloved cartons of Ben & Jerry's for support? Food is like that. It's the best emotional support you could ask for. It's always there, standing by us in our times of need. It makes of feel better, by giving us that wonderful serotonin rush. And most of all it comforts us, erasing all the bad things that happened during the day. So how do we combat this vicious cycle of being judged, feeling bad about it, then over eating, getting fatter, being judged even more, feeling even worse about it, eating more and more and more, etc, etc, etc? So what do we do? It's pretty hard to take away the food, isn't it? It's not like being an alcoholic; you can't go cold-turkey on food. We have to eat. So sure we can cut out junk food, but still, a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs can help fix a bad day, can't it? So let's see, what can we do then? Take away the criticism of others; take away the stares and comments we receive. Well that's not gonna happen. People are cruel, and fat people are one of the still publicly accepted targets of ridicule and mocking. So we can't take away the food, we can't make people nice, what can we do? Just get over it? Just deal with the crap that life sends us? Make our BEST efforts NOT to use food as an emotional tool? It is so hard! But really this is all we can do. Lift our heads high, let comments and stares roll off our backs, and work on becoming the best person we can be. Only then can we take back the control. Only then can we start to lose weight. Only then can we become an average person in the room and not the heaviest person in sight.

#9 - Having half a dozen sizes in my closet

I know it sounds weird for a girl to say it, but I hate that I have so many clothes! The problem is not really the amount of clothes I own, but rather the number of different sizes I have. I seem to have an entire wardrobe based on how fat or thin I'm feeling or looking. I know, I know, every girl has this dilemma. I mean, who doesn't own a couple pairs of "fat jeans" and "skinny jeans"? And of course, I go through purging phases, where I clean out my closet of clothes that don't fit. I think I've thrown out entire wardrobes worth of clothes after I'd lost weight, only to re-purchase those very sizes again once I put the weight back on. What a waste! You know how it is. You lose weight, you're proud, you vow never to be that heavy again, you get lazy, your diet fails, you gain weight, and then you're back at the original size. I've managed to lose 40 pounds so far after I had Stella, and some of my clothes are getting loose. This time I vowed NOT to throw out all my ill fitting clothes. A few months ago I had boxed up my "skinny" clothes, in an attempt to protect my pocketbook. I'm glad I did this. I knew I would lose weight again and would need those smaller sizes soon enough. And this time, I won't throw out my "fat" clothes either. I'll save them in the unfortunate event that I gain the weight back or purely for a reminder of the size I never want to be again.

#10 – Being weighed at the doctor’s office

I don’t’ care how skinny you are, we all have issues of being weighed in front of other people! Every time I go to the doctor’s office, seems they feel it's necessary to weigh me. I hate that. I already have the torment of weighing myself at home, but now I need to embarrass myself and get weighed in front of someone else. I was weighed quite a bit the last 4 years (being that I had two children). One of the most embarrassing things is when the nurse sets the scale to the 150 marker then slides the pounds up and up and up. Then they move the marker to the 200 pound setting, once again sliding the pounds up and up and up. I guess they're just trying to spare my dignity, but really it's pure torture. I guess it makes your weight more real, having to admit to another human being just how heavy you really are.

Speaking of weight…..tonight is my first weigh-in with my trainer. I have all mixed emotions about my first weigh in. I’m excited to see the progress of my first week, but I’m nervous as well. What if I haven’t lost anything???? YIKES! I don’t think I want a HUGE weight loss, b/c then I’ll be disappointed the following weigh-in. Haha I know I’m silly! I am really proud of myself this week regardless of the numbers on the scale. Not only have I come out publically and admitted that I need a change, I think it finally sunk in as well. I need a life-style change and this week it really showed.

Don’t you hate when you’re on a “diet” and people bring stuff that you’re not supposed to have??? UGH I hate that! Last week was my mom’s bday, so we celebrated by eating at Applebees Friday. It wasn’t too bad, b/c I chose the right things to eat. Jodi, my trainer has told me when I get my food to ask for a “to-go box” and put half my food in there. That seems to work great. She also said to drink a lot of water…which I did and also worked great! The PROBLEM was the appetizer. We always get the appetizer sampler….mozzarella cheese sticks, chips and dip, boneless wings, and chicken quesadillas…gosh that makes me hungry just typing it LOL Well it was tough not to eat that, watching my thin husband and children eat whatever they want w/out a care in the world. (Not that they shouldn’t…they deserve that right) It’s just hard. It’s hard to want to eat something, w/out feeling guilty about eating it. Maybe these weeks ahead will change that! I hope so! Wish me luck, I will post tomorrow about weigh in this evening =)